And, yes, that drool did end up on my computer.

To see her crawling, be sure to click ->

Our former Stake President’s wife teaches a family relations class at church, and she is phenomenal. She bases all her teachings on the gospel of Jesus Christ, the doctrines are found in the scriptures, and in talks given by prophets and apostles from the recent past. I was looking for some way to use positive reinforcement to shape behavior. I have one little man with a very defiant personality, and all forms of discipline had a way of backfiring, so I knew I needed to try to approach it from the other side– praising for positive choices rather than constantly railing him for poor ones. I just had zero experience with that and had no idea of how to go about it. Then Sister Dale told us about this idea she and her husband started when they had young children. I don’t have the time nor space to document here how all these principles tie in with the Savior’s example, but they do.

The idea is this: We introduced it at family night one night that we would like to reward our kids for all their good behavior. So every time we noticed them doing something kind for someone, or whenever they obey IMMEDIATELY, or do their chores with a positive attitude and especially without being asked, they will earn a family dollar. Whenever they hit, disobey, or are unkind to one another, they lose dollars. Their dollars will earn privileges. Everything in our family now costs a dollar. Want to watch TV? That will be one dollar please. Computer time, playing a board game with Mom or Dad, snacks, sleeping somewhere other than your bed, dessert, redeeming a troublesome toy from “toy prison” all cost a dollar. There are only three things our children will always get as a child in our family: Our unconditional love complete with a bedtime song, three healthy meals a day, and a place to sleep. Everything else costs a dollar.Within a few days we realized we needed larger denominations, so we now have red $5 Family Dollar bills. These are used for extra special privileges, like staying up late one hour to play a video game with Mom or Dad. This is now the only time video games are allowed aside from parties or Saturdays, so it’s a pretty special time. If ALL the boys have a red dollar available, I like to think of a special outing or activity we can do as a family; a picnic at the park, movie night, or trip to the dollar store are ideas of things that would cost $5. They are also used for redeeming an entire set of toys (all the legos or hot wheels are our constant struggle) from prison. Note on toy prison: if they scatter the toys around, throw them, etc rather than playing with them, they get confiscated. Likewise for toys that cause constant bickering, or physical harm. We haven’t set the cost yet, but we are planning a fun family vacation, and they will each need a certain amount of family dollars to earn that trip.

Regarding logistics:  We have two envelopes for each child pinned up on the wall. One is for today’s dollars, the ones they are earning or losing. The other is for spending. The spending envelopes are actually paper plates cut in half and decorated. Each child starts off with three dollars in the morning. This is for 2 reasons: 1. I need bargaining chips. If they start with nothing, how can they lose a dollar for lolly-gagging when we need to leave by a certain time? 2. It’s exciting and encouraging to see those dollars, especially if they’ve had a particularly hard day the day before. It reminds them of what they’re working towards. Every time a child loses a dollar, they need an opportunity to earn it back. It might be for maintaining good behavior for a certain period of time, but this can also be through an extra chore of my choosing, or if they take the initiative they can always earn a dollar by picking up 10 toys or doing what they know they need to do before I ask. I very often fill a side of the sink with soapy water and have them wash as many dishes as will fit and they can clean appropriately. I HATE doing dishes and often end up with a pile of them. They enjoy washing, most of the time, and they earn a dollar for doing it cheerfully, and I don’t have to wash a few dishes! We all win. If I assign a chore and they do it promptly and no grumbling, they earn their dollar. If, however, I have to ask them more than once, no dollar, and they still have to do it. If we have to ask them repeatedly, they lose a dollar and still have to do it. If they still are non-compliant or sneak off without having done it, they pay me to do it. They by this time have already lost a dollar from their earnings, AND now they are losing privilege-buying power for today. I know it’s terrible to do your kids’ work for them, but sometimes I just need it done and we’ve got a schedule to keep. If we need to get out the door and they are taking too long about getting their teeth brushed, or socks and shoes on, they lose a dollar and if it continues, they pay me to do it for them. Sometimes they will cut to the chase (especially the little ones for whom these tasks are possible, but difficult) and offer to pay me, or a sibling, to do it for them. I love this, actually, because it is a privilege to have a parent do for you what you could do for yourself.

We have a toddler and a 4 year old, and melt-downs do still occur, sometimes especially because of the losing dollars thing. I cannot tolerate any tantrumy behavior SO we now have “calm time.” It’s like a time out, but the idea is to teach our children self-control, and that it’s okay to need some time alone to blow off steam, recuperate, and collect your thoughts. So here’s the scenario: Boy loses dollar for not turning off his game when Mom asked. Boy stamps feet and screams “don’t take my dollars!” Mom says: you may not speak to me that way. You need to go to your room to calm down until you are ready for calm time.” If Boy does not go immediately to his room and stays to carry on, he loses another dollar. At four losses I will usually bring his attention to the fact that he has lost four dollars, is it worth it to him to lose more? He cannot start calm time until he goes up to his room and calmly tells me he is ready. Boy comes out still sobbing and whining “I don’t want to do calm time…” Mom says “I can see that you are not yet calm enough for calm time. Calm time will begin when you are ready to sit on the stairs and say in a calm voice, without stamping your feet, that you are ready for calm time.” Eventually Boy will sit and be ready, and Mom starts the kitchen timer for 1 minute per age of the child (3 years = 3 minutes, etc). I have been amazed at how much calmer I am when this kind of stuff comes up. It used to happen many times a day. I don’t think anyone has needed a calm time for the past few DAYS. WOW!

Some of the wonderful benefits of this system:

1. I can glance at the wall and see whether I need to spend more positive time with any certain child. If their earning envelope is empty, I’ve not been providing opportunities for them to make good choices, or perhaps I just haven’t been observant enough.

2. They are learning time and resource management. Even my 3 year old now knows that if he wants to play a computer game or have a snack tomorrow, he has got to do his work today. Also, they are learning delayed gratification. Today for example, Burke had earned that coveted red dollar. He chose to watch his brothers play a video game (it’s Saturday), and forego a snack because he knew he really wanted that special time with Mom and he knew if he caved he wouldn’t get it.

3. It’s portable. That’s been my biggest problem with other disciplinary measures. How does a child get a time-out at the grocery store? Or in the car when they’re being obnoxious? Even at a friend’s house or in the grocery store I can make little tally marks to know who is earning dollars and who is losing them. We went for a fairly long stint at the hardware store, and by the end, each boy had netted at least 2 dollars! We had several people remark how well-behaved our boys were. I am SO happy!

4. Chores were constantly being neglected, and now they are a non-issue. I hear my boys saying “what can I do to help?” rather than “I don’t want to do it!” Or, if they do become an issue, there is a system in place for how it’s handled. If you don’t do your work, you lose a dollar, and pay a dollar, and have to do another job. In most cases, it’s just not worth it!

5. The boys are now feeling appreciated. We all say “I love you” more, because it’s peaceful enough that we can feel it more. I have had a bad temper, and I can honestly feel my temperament changing. That has been the biggest blessing of all.

January 13, 2004

Growing lots

Man, is Neils growing! Every day I look at him in amazement. His speech is getting so much clearing and he is able to express himself very well.

Today, I was home for lunch, and was just watching him talk about a book while sitting on Melissa’s lap. He was talking about the different pictures and using his imagination very well. My eyes got all wet just thinking about what a handsome, smart, and loving boy we have.

…and there’s more: 

January 21, 2004

he reads?

Today Neils pointed to something that had “MOM” written on it pretty big and said, “mother.” Melissa and I were shocked. We hesitate to assume that he read, but can’t think of any other reason he would have said that.

We have shown him the word “mom” many, many times, and I’m pretty sure that he does know that “Mom” and “Mother” are interchangeable, so it’s very likely.

February 06, 2004

He likes me!

I know that all kids love and like their parents, but sometimes we wonder. Especially with me being at school so much and being less moved by tears than Melissa, Neils clearly prefers her over me for comfort and to put him to bed.

However, I’ve been trying to play with him a little more and do more things with him.

Last night Melissa had Enrichment Night and took Neils to the nursery there so I could work on a project due today. When they came back, she told me that as soon as they got out the door Neils said, “Dad? Home?” and looked a bit concerned. Then when she was done and picked him up from the nursery he kept on earnestly saying, “Dad. Home. Dad. Home.”

It’s always nice to know that he loves me and likes to spend time with me.

February 09, 2004

He wants to drive already

Neils has always liked to sit in the front seat of the car, especially the driver’s side and play with the steering wheel and controls. It’s also not rare for him to cry when we remove him to the back seat. However, today on the way home from picking me up from school was extremely memorable.

As Melissa and I were talking in the front seats we heard Neils say, “Neils try? Neils try?”

“Neils try what?” Melissa asked, but Neils kept asking, “Neils try? Try?”

“What do you want to try?”

(pause for Neils to think a bit)

“Driving. Neils driving?” He then spent the next three minutes trying to convince us that he should. When we said that he couldn’t drive, he asked for the keys. Then he suggested that he get them when we stop. We told him that he was too short, but he retorted by saying he could use a pillow.

The language was limited, but the meaning and understanding were there.

Finally he stopped asking and is currently here at home driving his train along a play road.

February 23, 2004

The Family…according to Neils

Neils is usually eager to agree to the suggestion of getting a brother or sister. However, a couple of nights ago we asked him if he wanted a brother.

He said, “No brother.” A little taken back, we asked again, but he replied, “No, no brother.”

“Do you want a sister?” we tried.

“No sister.”

“You don’t want any brothers or sisters?”

“No.”

This seemed a bit strange to me, so I pressed further. “Should we keep Neils?”

“No Neils,” he said with a little bit of a smile.

“How about Big Dog?”

“No Big Dog?”

And so it continued with Mom, Dad, and perhaps a couple things more.

Funny boy

April 09, 2004

Of course

Neils’ new overly-used phrase is “of course.” When we ask him if he wants something or can do something or will he do something, he answers with “of course.”

For example:

“Neils, would you like some rice?” “Of course.”

“Can you take off your shirt?” “Of course.”

“Can you come with me, please?” “Of course.”

Okay, so now that I post it, I realize it’s not the best picture, but the soles are that suede kind of fabric, and the back is that same red color that’s in the flowers. SO cute.

And a picture of the girl.

This is how a typical math lesson might run.

Mom grabs a handful of mini-marshmallows, the fruity ones work well for word problems (if you have 3 green, 4 pink, 2 yellow, and 4 orange, how many marhsmallows do you have altogether?). Neils adds the marshmallows up, and decides if the number is even or odd. In the beginning I would always sit through him with it all, but now I might say something like, “great, you’ve got 21 marshmallows. How many different ways can you divide it evenly?” He might guestimate that it doesn’t divide evenly at all, but I have him work with them anyway. He then works it out and writes down the equations: 7 x 3 = 21, 3 x7 = 21, 21/7 = 3, etc. Then he does some subtraction problems (his favorite, of course), 21 – 6, or whatever, then we work with 15. Even or Odd? How many ways can you divide that? Then we might add again or subtract more. The big success for Neils here is that he HATES writing and worksheets, so those methods generally take him about 6 times as long than it would do just do the work itself. I am not exaggerating. With marshmallow math, he doesn’t mind because the marshmallow incentive outweighs the writing pain. And he’s actually writing more. He is learning that 7×3 and 3×7 are the same thing, and the relationship between multiplication and division. Admittedly, it’s no replacement for a good curriculum, but it’s a wonderful supplement.

The only downside: the massive sugar-high that follows! We just plan it for a fun way to end the schoolday, and hopefully when the weather will hold up well enough for him to run outside and play afterwards.

Neils built and painted this airplane from a kit using woodglue. Read and followed the instructions all on his own!

These are from a fun project that, I’m sad to say, has never been entirely finished. Neils designed a bench swing. I showed him the boards we had available for use, and he measured them, decided what dimensions he wanted to make his bench, and then how many boards he would need. We got the back glued together, and most of the bench, but our clamps don’t extend far enough to cinch the last board onto the rest. So, here it sits, looking as much like a pile of boards as ever. In our kitchen. I really need to figure this out.

Oh, I forgot to add: the whole reason he wanted to build it in the first place is because he saw a local show about how to build a bench and paint it with corn. You know, make patterns by rolling husked ears of corn in paint, then onto your bench to make cool designs. It’s been a year since he saw that show, yet when he looks at the half-finished project, he still remembers that that’s what he wants to do to it WHEN it’s finished. I love that kid.

Here is a three year old Burke, proudly displaying his airplane, totally built by his own ingenuity. So cool!

So I thought we were looking at a miracle when it hit 50 degrees on Sunday and sent the boys out to play in just sweaters and scarves, then Tuesday we had a high of 60! If that’s not park weather I don’t know what is. I even took Eva outside to play. Well, observe from the baby carrier anyway! She would watch her brothers climb and swing and just giggle and gab… she’s already SUCH a chatterbox. Now if only I could catch it on camera… and figure out how to upload it.

I’m posting pics from Sunday, and Tuesday. Alas, last night it snowed and hasn’t really let up since. We’ve already got at least four inches.

From Sunday…

I was inside with the Bean-a so I thought I’d take a few of her in her Sunday best.

And here’s from that glorious Spring Tuesday:

My mom and dad got us an art easel for Christmas, and boy do the kids enjoy it! We are even taking art lessons. A wonderful woman in our area has agreed to teach family lessons once a week, so I get to learn too! So naturally I had to put up a bulletin board to show off all their artwork… the fridge was just not big enough!

Here’s Conan putting it together with much help and encouragement from Burke…

Keane LOVES to play dress up, and dressing up as an artist and using the chalkboard is just over-the-top awesome!

Burke really takes his art work seriously. He loves to experiment with different brushes and techniques, and doesn’t just haphazardly mix all the colors like some toddlers.

The yellow rocket ship on the left is Burke’s, and the abstract piece on the right is Keane’s.

Thanks again Grandma & Grandpa Lovelady for the easel! We love it!

The “warming trend” for the week means a high of 18 degrees

You dress your baby girl in about 11 layers of clothing… for staying inside.

Ah well, she doesn’t seem to mind.