No, this is not a political diatribe on capitalism or our consumerist culture. This is an introduction to the most effective tool we have ever seen in parenting. And no, I’m not talking about allowance as bribery, either! The Family Dollar system has transformed my family with four children from being resigned to never EVER going shopping with the boys again (even with 3 adults present I felt they were out of control!) to constantly receiving compliments on how well-behaved my boys are in public. Read on if you’re curious.

Our former Stake President’s wife teaches a family relations class at church, and she is phenomenal. She bases all her teachings on the gospel of Jesus Christ, the doctrines are found in the scriptures, and in talks given by prophets and apostles from the recent past. I was looking for some way to use positive reinforcement to shape behavior. I have one little man with a very defiant personality, and all forms of discipline had a way of backfiring, so I knew I needed to try to approach it from the other side– praising for positive choices rather than constantly railing him for poor ones. I just had zero experience with that and had no idea of how to go about it. Then Sister Dale told us about this idea she and her husband started when they had young children. I don’t have the time nor space to document here how all these principles tie in with the Savior’s example, but they do.

The idea is this: We introduced it at family night one night that we would like to reward our kids for all their good behavior. So every time we noticed them doing something kind for someone, or whenever they obey IMMEDIATELY, or do their chores with a positive attitude and especially without being asked, they will earn a family dollar. Whenever they hit, disobey, or are unkind to one another, they lose dollars. Their dollars will earn privileges. Everything in our family now costs a dollar. Want to watch TV? That will be one dollar please. Computer time, playing a board game with Mom or Dad, snacks, sleeping somewhere other than your bed, dessert, redeeming a troublesome toy from “toy prison” all cost a dollar. There are only three things our children will always get as a child in our family: Our unconditional love complete with a bedtime song, three healthy meals a day, and a place to sleep. Everything else costs a dollar.Within a few days we realized we needed larger denominations, so we now have red $5 Family Dollar bills. These are used for extra special privileges, like staying up late one hour to play a video game with Mom or Dad. This is now the only time video games are allowed aside from parties or Saturdays, so it’s a pretty special time. If ALL the boys have a red dollar available, I like to think of a special outing or activity we can do as a family; a picnic at the park, movie night, or trip to the dollar store are ideas of things that would cost $5. They are also used for redeeming an entire set of toys (all the legos or hot wheels are our constant struggle) from prison. Note on toy prison: if they scatter the toys around, throw them, etc rather than playing with them, they get confiscated. Likewise for toys that cause constant bickering, or physical harm. We haven’t set the cost yet, but we are planning a fun family vacation, and they will each need a certain amount of family dollars to earn that trip.

Regarding logistics:  We have two envelopes for each child pinned up on the wall. One is for today’s dollars, the ones they are earning or losing. The other is for spending. The spending envelopes are actually paper plates cut in half and decorated. Each child starts off with three dollars in the morning. This is for 2 reasons: 1. I need bargaining chips. If they start with nothing, how can they lose a dollar for lolly-gagging when we need to leave by a certain time? 2. It’s exciting and encouraging to see those dollars, especially if they’ve had a particularly hard day the day before. It reminds them of what they’re working towards. Every time a child loses a dollar, they need an opportunity to earn it back. It might be for maintaining good behavior for a certain period of time, but this can also be through an extra chore of my choosing, or if they take the initiative they can always earn a dollar by picking up 10 toys or doing what they know they need to do before I ask. I very often fill a side of the sink with soapy water and have them wash as many dishes as will fit and they can clean appropriately. I HATE doing dishes and often end up with a pile of them. They enjoy washing, most of the time, and they earn a dollar for doing it cheerfully, and I don’t have to wash a few dishes! We all win. If I assign a chore and they do it promptly and no grumbling, they earn their dollar. If, however, I have to ask them more than once, no dollar, and they still have to do it. If we have to ask them repeatedly, they lose a dollar and still have to do it. If they still are non-compliant or sneak off without having done it, they pay me to do it. They by this time have already lost a dollar from their earnings, AND now they are losing privilege-buying power for today. I know it’s terrible to do your kids’ work for them, but sometimes I just need it done and we’ve got a schedule to keep. If we need to get out the door and they are taking too long about getting their teeth brushed, or socks and shoes on, they lose a dollar and if it continues, they pay me to do it for them. Sometimes they will cut to the chase (especially the little ones for whom these tasks are possible, but difficult) and offer to pay me, or a sibling, to do it for them. I love this, actually, because it is a privilege to have a parent do for you what you could do for yourself.

We have a toddler and a 4 year old, and melt-downs do still occur, sometimes especially because of the losing dollars thing. I cannot tolerate any tantrumy behavior SO we now have “calm time.” It’s like a time out, but the idea is to teach our children self-control, and that it’s okay to need some time alone to blow off steam, recuperate, and collect your thoughts. So here’s the scenario: Boy loses dollar for not turning off his game when Mom asked. Boy stamps feet and screams “don’t take my dollars!” Mom says: you may not speak to me that way. You need to go to your room to calm down until you are ready for calm time.” If Boy does not go immediately to his room and stays to carry on, he loses another dollar. At four losses I will usually bring his attention to the fact that he has lost four dollars, is it worth it to him to lose more? He cannot start calm time until he goes up to his room and calmly tells me he is ready. Boy comes out still sobbing and whining “I don’t want to do calm time…” Mom says “I can see that you are not yet calm enough for calm time. Calm time will begin when you are ready to sit on the stairs and say in a calm voice, without stamping your feet, that you are ready for calm time.” Eventually Boy will sit and be ready, and Mom starts the kitchen timer for 1 minute per age of the child (3 years = 3 minutes, etc). I have been amazed at how much calmer I am when this kind of stuff comes up. It used to happen many times a day. I don’t think anyone has needed a calm time for the past few DAYS. WOW!

Some of the wonderful benefits of this system:

1. I can glance at the wall and see whether I need to spend more positive time with any certain child. If their earning envelope is empty, I’ve not been providing opportunities for them to make good choices, or perhaps I just haven’t been observant enough.

2. They are learning time and resource management. Even my 3 year old now knows that if he wants to play a computer game or have a snack tomorrow, he has got to do his work today. Also, they are learning delayed gratification. Today for example, Burke had earned that coveted red dollar. He chose to watch his brothers play a video game (it’s Saturday), and forego a snack because he knew he really wanted that special time with Mom and he knew if he caved he wouldn’t get it.

3. It’s portable. That’s been my biggest problem with other disciplinary measures. How does a child get a time-out at the grocery store? Or in the car when they’re being obnoxious? Even at a friend’s house or in the grocery store I can make little tally marks to know who is earning dollars and who is losing them. We went for a fairly long stint at the hardware store, and by the end, each boy had netted at least 2 dollars! We had several people remark how well-behaved our boys were. I am SO happy!

4. Chores were constantly being neglected, and now they are a non-issue. I hear my boys saying “what can I do to help?” rather than “I don’t want to do it!” Or, if they do become an issue, there is a system in place for how it’s handled. If you don’t do your work, you lose a dollar, and pay a dollar, and have to do another job. In most cases, it’s just not worth it!

5. The boys are now feeling appreciated. We all say “I love you” more, because it’s peaceful enough that we can feel it more. I have had a bad temper, and I can honestly feel my temperament changing. That has been the biggest blessing of all.