So, we’ve got lots of randomness here, but not so much on the big picture. SO, with our long-distance loved-ones, and those with whom we have lost touch, and those who have stumbled across us and whom we have not yet touched, here is a summary of the last few years.
After a call for an honest family discussion on the Heiselt side, and Liz & Micah’s wonderful frankness regarding the isolation effect of living in Hawaii, I feel it’s important that I share some difficult, but important, things that I have been struggling with.
Depression is something that many people misunderstand since we use the phrase, “I’m so depressed,” to mean something on an entirely different level than what a psychologist would term, “clinical depression.” There are people who have had both cancer and depression, and once coming into remission on both counts have said, “if given the choice, I’d take cancer over depression any day”. It changes the way you see the world to such a degree that you really can’t remember what it’s like to feel, happy. Not thrilled or excited or vibrant, just content. Just, not crummy. You feel hopeless, and at least for me, confused and clouded over. I can’t think straight and end up treating my children horribly. For those wondering if I’d dropped off the planet for the last several months, that is pretty much why. I had a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad pregnancy with Keane. In the end I was taking anti-depressants, and for some reason many people seem to think this is like taking opium. The sad look and that piteous head shake… they ask when I can stop. They ask if I’ll have to take them for life. Can’t you just take an herbal supplement? I have mixed emotions. I don’t really know the answer to that, but I do know that when I had that help, I felt normal for the first time in years. I still had “down” days, but they were normal downs. Not what I have been struggling to clamber out of. I remembered who Melissa Lovelady Heiselt is. Missy, some used to call her. But I also feel I am somehow less in the eyes of those I care about most because I can’t handle this thing myself.
I have since had to stop taking them due to lack of insurance, etc. And I can tell you, I really feel a difference. Depression closed in slowly and stealthily at first. I didn’t see it coming. This time it was like being slapped in the face with a wet towel. If I snap, if I don’t follow through, if I’m just distant, know I am sorry. I would reach you if I could. And I am seeking help.